my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
Randomize
