if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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