i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
Randomize
