i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
