Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
Randomize
