she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
We got so high we made milksteak
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
