i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
