just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
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