The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
