you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Randomize
