He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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