Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
Randomize
