Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Randomize
