im six kinds of drunk right now
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
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