My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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