Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
You get 5 min
Your time limits don't scare me, I'll include foreplay and redressing in that 5 min. If you wanted to challenge me you should say you got an hour, id be scared then and more creative.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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