I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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