I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
Randomize
