You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
Randomize
