In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Randomize
