I'm drive I can fine osifer
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
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