I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
Moan for me like Helen Keller
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Randomize
