I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Randomize
