I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Randomize
