Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
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