Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
