so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
