I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
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