Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize
