i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
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