So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
