you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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