Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
Only in Montana can you find Septic Services that would display "Christian owned and operated" on the side of the truck. I'm oddly going to miss this state.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
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