I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Randomize
