I accidentally had phone sex last night
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Randomize
