So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Randomize
