I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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