At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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