I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
either way he was missing a nipple.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
Randomize
