i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
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