my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
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