you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
