guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
Those balls look pretty dangerous.
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
