there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
Randomize
