I wish I could teleport
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Randomize
