Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize
