You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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