just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
