You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
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