so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Randomize
