she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
